In my far.

Do you ever want to just bang your head against a wall? literally just bang it against the wall.

It’s been a extremely frustrating 5 months. I can’t go to school since I can’t take anything other than a pain reliever and if I go back, my doctor guarantees my wound won’t be healed even by September because culinary school is so physically demanding it just wouldn’t heal because of all the stress it would cause my legs.

Leaving school to take care of my fucking flimsy body was the most difficult decision I had to make… it literally hurt not to go back, I ended up giving myself a panic attack a day after withdrawing from school. What was I going to do with my life? what am I going to do with myself? I’m alone everyday, I have nothing new to learn… Then my panic attack happened and I had to close my eyes take long breaths and count to ten in between each sob.
It’s been five long months and my wound is still not closed, home care however has become less painful when my bandages are changed, it’s not only mildly uncomfortable and it doesn’t bleed which is nice.

They’re concerned I have diabetes only because it runs in my family even though they have not much else to go on they’re still concerned.

I’m unsure if they’re aware I’ve always been a slow healer because of the medication I’ve taken, , even when I’ve stopped taking it, it still takes months for it to leave the system. So that is also a factor for why it’s taking so long. Though they have told me my wound has gotten smaller.

To try and boost the healing time, I’ve been advised to start a high protein and vitamin C diet, which is fine with me, I don’t have a preference on what I eat lately.

I had “laser eye surgery” three weeks ago, since my arthritis is now free to run rampant, now that I don’t take anything to control the fucker, my eye’s have become inflamed which means my vision is blurry.
My left eye is worse than my right. The left I can barely make out shapes with, yes, I can still see colors and light but not much else with it.
My right eye, which is still affected by my arthritis, is ever so slightly affected with blurry vision, I can see what everything is, it’s just ever so slightly affected, affected nonetheless. I take one drop of prednisolone every hour in each eye.

My eye doctor said it looks a lot better, I had to keep my sarcasm to myself when he made his assessment when I went back for my follow up.

Yeah, it’s so much better I can see all the colors of the wind..

Though he did tell me it’s at most what he can do for me, and my eyes won’t get any better until I’m back on medication to control my arthritis.
By the way, the eye surgery, yeah not fun, it’s fucking painful, he froze my eyes still fucking painful, can’t imagine not having my eyes frozen, it felt like I was having my eye stabbed repeatedly with a hot needle…ugh.. just..ugh.
I then had light sensitivity for 2 weeks and periodically a shooting pain.

I’m fine now, still it had to be done, essentially going blind is terrifying and I’d take the laser surgery any time to prevent that.

By trying to take up my time, I’ve been learning Japanese and Korean, why?
I’ve been watching a lot of anime and I’m sick of reading the subs, and I’ve been listening to a lot of k-pop.

My reasoning, I don’t understand any of this, guess I’ll learn their language.

I’m only on simple phrases, I don’t even know if I’m saying everything properly, I should really record myself and compare it to what is said..

But that is what has been going on with me the last few weeks.

Pain demands to be felt


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