I have been on Christmas break since Wednesday, December 17. Technically I’m not officially on Christmas break until today, but our chef had prior commitments.

Which is completely fine with me, I went to see doctor Embel for my open wounds on my right ankle, he said it cleaned up nicely, it’s not infected and it’s healing up fast, but not fast enough. He switched me from using regular saline soaked gauze against the open wound then covered with a thick dry pad and wrapped several times with a roll gauze, to a double compressed bandage.

This bandage is fucking tight, he had a nurse dress my ankle, she placed a type of gauze on my wound, that when the gauze becomes ‘wet’ from the wound it turns into a gel, basically temporary sealing the wound, then she wrapped my foot with a cloth bandage up to just under my knee, and layered it on top with a tenser.

Doctor Embel said “You need to wear this, and keep your foot elevated on a pillow if you want this to be fully healed within three months before school, if you don’t it can still be open when you go for your co-op in September”

Oh, that’s one thing I forgot to mention, I got my school to move my co-op to September, and I can return in May with my class, which I couldn’t believe happened. I’m so fucking lucky.

They let me stay with my class, you have no idea how much of a relief that was. I consider them my support system. They keep me going, telling me to take it easy or encouraging me to keep going when I need it. My friends mean a lot to me, so to stay with them gave me determination to get these wounds healed. Even if it means being bored out of my mind sitting on my ass.

Back to what Doctor Embel said, because I’m currently looking for an office job for the four months I’ll be out of school, I’m going to be set up with a Health Care Aid as there’s no way I can apply these bandages to my ankle.

The bandages need to be changes every 2-3 days, then when I become comfortable with the amount of pressure from the bandage it would be changed every 5-6 days.

To me that sounds gross only being able to change it every 5-6 days but he’s the doctor and I will be keeping an eye on it constantly.

That being said, it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to take a shower, it just means the bandage won’t be changed as often, I would be given a layer of waterproof-whatever, so I can have a regular shower.

I have been given a chance to heal, where in the past few months I’ve had to to ignore the pain as much as possible and keep moving.

I don’t remember if I mentioned it but I passed my Regional Cuisine section with a 78%, which is barely passing but at least I passed.

To pass in this school you need a 70% in all courses.

I haven’t written for a few weeks not because of this good news but because of something that has been bothering me and I wanted to figure it out before saying anything.

With all the good news and it being Christmas time, I was really upset and angry, I was coming up with any excuse to fight with my boyfriend or to even throw anything.

I didn’t understand why, then I came home a few day’s into December, it hit me.

I’m upset and angry not because my boyfriend will be working away from home but because of what December represents for me.

For other people it means family get together, vacations, pictures, presents, food, anything that comes with December and Christmas.

For me, it means remembering those closest to me who died in December. My cousin Mikey had died on the 15th, two years ago, he was my best friend. My granny Irma died on the 23rd, she was in the hospital for months, it looked like she was getting better then she suddenly passed away, she’s been gone for 4 years. My aunty who I never met, was murdered on the same day Mikey passed away, she’s been gone for 30 years.

I hate December.

It seems like every few years someone close to my family dies in December, I realize this is just by chance but we lost too much family to over look it.

I have two nieces who absolutely love Christmas and I would never take that magic away from them. I wouldn’t let my bitterness into their childhood. They don’t know what we know or went through, it’s not their fault and they deserve every bit of happiness.

I can barely stand to hear Christmas music, or have my tree up, or buy presents, I just want to make this like every other month and keep it normal.

But I can’t, my boyfriend, my nieces, they deserve happiness and I doubt my loved ones would want me to be this miserable. So I try to stop my urge to argue, and swallow my bitterness.

Not a lot get’s to me or can get an emotional reaction out of me but December can.


On a lighter note, with my spare time and keep my mind off things, I started a youtube series of reviewing ‘Mohawk Girls’ and ‘Blackstone’, which airs on the APTN network. Blackstone has been going since 2011 so I have a lot to catch up on, where as Mohawk Girls just started in November so only a few episodes, but watching, recording then editing takes up a good amount of my time.

Keeping busy to save my sanity I guess.

Pain Demands to be Felt.


One thought on “December”

  1. Thank you Shay for sharing, yes December is a hard month, your mom, uncles & me know this too well but there’s also happiness . When we see our children, grandchildren & family happy and succeed in life, no one can take that away. I’m particularly very proud of you because you are doing something I’m sure granny Irma would have done should she have had a chance.
    Take care & keep writing 💗


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