Tis but a flesh wound

I realize some people don’t like Ariana Grande because she’s sounds like a small mumbling child but I’m loving this song.

I’ve been keeping busy, my ankle has been it’s bandage since seeing Doctor Embel, changed four times of course.

It’s starting to feel like a flexible cast, I either can’t or can barely put on my right shoe since there is so much bandage.

Once bandaged by my sister Mallory, I did my own dressing the wound, she covered it with the co-band. The third time was by a temp male nurse- ouch. It made me question if men should even be nurses since instead of being gentle when removing the bandages against my wound he ripped them off and caused them to bleed for a good 15 minutes.

Resisted the urge to kick him in the face, you have no idea how bad that hurt and continued to have it’s own pulsing heart beat for a good 3 hours and hurt to move- let alone to take a step.

Forth time was my actual assigned nurse-Lynn, she took her time and used saline to soak the bandages and removed them, it still hurt but at least it wasn’t as bad as when the male nurse took them off and they didn’t bleed. She said it’ll get easier with time, it just sucks now because it’s still open and ‘weeps’ or leaks. Lynn said once it stops leaking completely then we might be able to use a actual gel on the wound but for now we are using the pad that turns into a gel because it’s soaking up the fluid from it.

I asked why It was being only changed twice a week and not every other day at least, and she said it’s because doctors are theorizing you should only change it a few times a week or even once a week since removing bandages can cause the newly formed skin to be ripped off with the bandage then you are back to square one.

It makes sense, but at the same time I really want to wash my leg instead of covering it with a plastic bag so the bandages don’t get wet.

Lynn asked me how long I’ve been with this, and I said it was a long process to get to this point, being taken off my medication for my arthritis because it was stopping it from healing and making the infection worse, then given anti-biotic for the infection, then the saline soaked bandages to help clear the infection, and then the double compressed bandage I have now…. it’s been a long painful and tiring process.

She seemed sympathetic to my situation, she said it must hurt to be off my arthritis medication, I said some day’s are better than others but yes it does.

With what little medicine I am given for the pain, it’s hilarious.
Naproxen 500mg, Prednisone 10mg both medicine per day.

Doesn’t help with the stiffness or flare ups but I can move at least even if there is minor discomfort.
Again when I say something is minor for me, for you it would be a big problem and maybe ruin your day.
I built up a tolerance for pain over the years.

On the bright side, now that I’m on break I lost a bit of weight, which is pretty funny, my mom said to me “You look like you lost weight, your face is thinner and your arms are smaller since you’ve been on break.” I said” I think so, I only really make myself toast and a bit of cheese when I’m hungry and when Henning’s not here, or have one big meal and a snack later on”

I also stopped putting sugar in my coffee which I always had sugar in it when I was going to school, and if you know me I drink a hell of a lot of coffee, so that was a hell of a lot of sugar.

I’m not starving myself by all means, when I’m hungry I eat, but I’m not moving as much lately so I’m not burning any calories.

I do miss my knives, which to you that might be weird but I haven’t really cooked or prepared anything in the last two weeks, I made the turkey, gravy and croquettes for Christmas dinner but I didn’t really need my knives for that.

I am a Culinary student after all. I do wish I got a knife rack for Christmas but that shit’s expensive and we had a 30$ cap for presents- for the adults I mean. For my nieces they got what they wanted, my little brats, aww.

That’s what has been going on with me for the last few days.

Pain demands to be Felt.

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December

I have been on Christmas break since Wednesday, December 17. Technically I’m not officially on Christmas break until today, but our chef had prior commitments.

Which is completely fine with me, I went to see doctor Embel for my open wounds on my right ankle, he said it cleaned up nicely, it’s not infected and it’s healing up fast, but not fast enough. He switched me from using regular saline soaked gauze against the open wound then covered with a thick dry pad and wrapped several times with a roll gauze, to a double compressed bandage.

This bandage is fucking tight, he had a nurse dress my ankle, she placed a type of gauze on my wound, that when the gauze becomes ‘wet’ from the wound it turns into a gel, basically temporary sealing the wound, then she wrapped my foot with a cloth bandage up to just under my knee, and layered it on top with a tenser.

Doctor Embel said “You need to wear this, and keep your foot elevated on a pillow if you want this to be fully healed within three months before school, if you don’t it can still be open when you go for your co-op in September”

Oh, that’s one thing I forgot to mention, I got my school to move my co-op to September, and I can return in May with my class, which I couldn’t believe happened. I’m so fucking lucky.

They let me stay with my class, you have no idea how much of a relief that was. I consider them my support system. They keep me going, telling me to take it easy or encouraging me to keep going when I need it. My friends mean a lot to me, so to stay with them gave me determination to get these wounds healed. Even if it means being bored out of my mind sitting on my ass.

Back to what Doctor Embel said, because I’m currently looking for an office job for the four months I’ll be out of school, I’m going to be set up with a Health Care Aid as there’s no way I can apply these bandages to my ankle.

The bandages need to be changes every 2-3 days, then when I become comfortable with the amount of pressure from the bandage it would be changed every 5-6 days.

To me that sounds gross only being able to change it every 5-6 days but he’s the doctor and I will be keeping an eye on it constantly.

That being said, it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to take a shower, it just means the bandage won’t be changed as often, I would be given a layer of waterproof-whatever, so I can have a regular shower.

I have been given a chance to heal, where in the past few months I’ve had to to ignore the pain as much as possible and keep moving.

I don’t remember if I mentioned it but I passed my Regional Cuisine section with a 78%, which is barely passing but at least I passed.

To pass in this school you need a 70% in all courses.

I haven’t written for a few weeks not because of this good news but because of something that has been bothering me and I wanted to figure it out before saying anything.

With all the good news and it being Christmas time, I was really upset and angry, I was coming up with any excuse to fight with my boyfriend or to even throw anything.

I didn’t understand why, then I came home a few day’s into December, it hit me.

I’m upset and angry not because my boyfriend will be working away from home but because of what December represents for me.

For other people it means family get together, vacations, pictures, presents, food, anything that comes with December and Christmas.

For me, it means remembering those closest to me who died in December. My cousin Mikey had died on the 15th, two years ago, he was my best friend. My granny Irma died on the 23rd, she was in the hospital for months, it looked like she was getting better then she suddenly passed away, she’s been gone for 4 years. My aunty who I never met, was murdered on the same day Mikey passed away, she’s been gone for 30 years.

I hate December.

It seems like every few years someone close to my family dies in December, I realize this is just by chance but we lost too much family to over look it.

I have two nieces who absolutely love Christmas and I would never take that magic away from them. I wouldn’t let my bitterness into their childhood. They don’t know what we know or went through, it’s not their fault and they deserve every bit of happiness.

I can barely stand to hear Christmas music, or have my tree up, or buy presents, I just want to make this like every other month and keep it normal.

But I can’t, my boyfriend, my nieces, they deserve happiness and I doubt my loved ones would want me to be this miserable. So I try to stop my urge to argue, and swallow my bitterness.

Not a lot get’s to me or can get an emotional reaction out of me but December can.

…………

On a lighter note, with my spare time and keep my mind off things, I started a youtube series of reviewing ‘Mohawk Girls’ and ‘Blackstone’, which airs on the APTN network. Blackstone has been going since 2011 so I have a lot to catch up on, where as Mohawk Girls just started in November so only a few episodes, but watching, recording then editing takes up a good amount of my time.

Keeping busy to save my sanity I guess.

Pain Demands to be Felt.

All of the Possibilities

In my last blog I said I was moving Friday and that was at the beginning of November.

We did move to a new building with an elevator, which is a relief for me, I no longer have to walk up three flights of stairs.

I’m not on anti-biotics anymore, I’m still changing my dressing once a day on my ankle, a third of my wounds are scabbed over. I’m in classes now which we are sitting down all day 8AM-4PM, which is why I’m guessing they seem to be healing faster now that I’m not on my feet all day.

I seen doctor Embel, and I am going to see him again on the 19th this month, he said I won’t need a skin graft for my wounds, for those who don’t know a skin graft is taking a thin layer of skin from a different area of the leg or thigh and placing it over the wound, basically sewing the skin to the wound and letting it heal. I was concerned about that as Doctor Robinson kept saying I would need one.

I’m thankful he doesn’t think it’s that bad, but it also means it’ll take longer to heal.
I seen Doctor Robinson on the 21st of November, he say’s it’s smaller and it does look smaller, but again, it’s taking a longer time even with being off my medication for my Arthritis.

I decided it’s best if I take my co-op off and try to find a secretary or assistant job for January- May and move it to late August/Early September. I may graduate late for moving it but I feel I need to heal.

I also think if it gets around in the culinary world that I can’t do my job properly because of this, no one will hire me even when I fully recover, especially where I live, we are constantly told to behave yourself and work hard and fast because the way how little or how much you work are gets around to other chefs.

My boyfriend was offered a job out of province, which means he would be gone a lot but making way more money than he is now, which considering the circumstance of trying to find a desk job before January since I’m not going to co-op means I won’t have an income for those 4 months if I can’t find one. Trust me I always find something.

I remember a few years ago he was working out of province in Fort McMurray, he was gone for two weeks at a time and back for two, that went on for 3 months then he got a job in the city, this new job means he’ll be back on the weekends.

I wouldn’t say everything is falling into place, but everything doesn’t seem so grim all the time anymore, not to me. I still have to stay away from tomato based products as it makes my arthritis worse, but I have a new apartment, a possibility of moving my co-op to heal.

I’m feeling like it’s going to be okay.

“Pain demands to be felt”