Living life with a double edged sword- one day at a time

I went to the doctor yesterday, to see my specialist for my arthritis and tell him to shove it because the simponi isn’t working.

I waited in a room to see my doctor and was asked questions by another doctor about my medicine, then he checked my movements. Before that I told him I didn’t want to be examined considering he kept blowing his nose and kept asking me the same questions I just answered and he had written down the answers, he said it’s just “allergies”.

I don’t believe he’s a good doctor considering when he gave me an injection years ago he kept moving the needle behind my knee cap and ignored my saying stop until my mom basically got up and told him to stop.

anyways this doctor said to me when I told him the medicine I’ve been on like the prednisone.

“Is that why your face is puffy?” I almost let a ‘fuck you’ fly out of my mouth and managed to restrain myself, though I wish I didn’t so next time they’d get a nurse to talk to me. As you can tell I don’t forgive.. at least not easily.

Anyways, he tried telling me it’s only been three months (I said no, it’s been four), well it needs more time.

I said no I’m not giving it more time, I did that with a drug called methotrexate and it did nothing but make me sick for two years, I’m not doing that again.

He then went to get my real doctor, and when my real doctor came, he said, looks like the simponi isn’t working, it’s gone, let’s try something else, you have three choices. Choice one is once a month but it’s intravenous, so you would be hooked up to a machine for an hour once a month, what do you think about that?

I said I go on Co-op in January, I can’t be in the hospital once a month, I have to work everyday, can’t do it.

He said okay so, the second choice is a drug called Humeria, you take it every other week, it’s not like simponi, it doesn’t go after the TNF in the arthritis it reacts differently, or we can go back to enbrel and give it another shot since you’ve been off it a few months, but I don’t believe it’ll make your eye or skin better considering that you’ve been taking it for years and it’s now slowly stopped doing it’s job.

I said okay, well lets try the Humeria, and if that doesn’t work back to the enbrel, when can I start to take it?

He said” when was the last time you took the simponi?

I said The 12th, soo three days ago

He said you can take it today if you like.

Then that other doctor who had been sitting there the entire time which I think should’ve just fucked off said, her right foot still has an open wound.

My doctor said Let me see it, did you take antibiotics for it? As he knelled down to take off my sock and remove the bandages

I said No thanks, and yes I’ve taken antibiotics for it, I have an appointment with infectious diseases/diabetic foot person thing in October.

He looked at my wound he said, that’s still infected, was it healing when you took the medicine?

I said Yes, it was then it went back to this.

He said I can’t put you on the Humeria while it’s like this it’s too risky, when is your appointment?

I said At the end of October, the 28th- it’s fine.

He said No it’s not, that’s infected, Shaylene it can get into your blood stream make it’s way through your system and kill you.

I thought… Is that so bad?

Then he said why didn’t you tell us? or go to your general practitioner to get it fixed, is that where you got the antibiotics the first time?

I said no, I don’t know why I would tell you, I went to a walk-in clinic who gave me them then set up the appointment for October.

He said, We’re specialist too you know, it relates to your arthritis, we could fix it, When is the appointment again?

I said the 28th, of October

He said That’s too far, we need to take care of this now, I’m going to swab it and get it tested, we might have to biopsy it if the test doesn’t come back conclusive.

I said Swab only don’t biopsy it, I know what that means, your not taking a chunk of flesh from of leg.

He said Okay but In the mean time I’m giving you two antibiotics, you’re going to shoppers and you are taking this today, as soon as you leave!.

I never had my doctor so miffed and dad rage at me before. Then he had a nurse “dress” my ankle, after which I got a bag full of gauze and ointment to treat the area. The first doctor kept coming in and out, I said you don’t have to be here, close the door, no one else has to see this! Then he finally left.

So, now I’m taking two antibiotics to rid the infection, I have another appointment with him next Friday- the 26th at 11am so he can check how it’s doing.

It’s day two of these and I’m tired, I’ve been tired all day.

For the past month my right elbow has been hurting on and off, and would get to the point where I couldn’t straighten it out. I think my arthritis spread to it. So I’ve been crying almost everyday because I’m not sure if it is or not, but with my luck it has it.

My eye’s get red time to time and my left eye hasn’t gotten better, my medicine doesn’t work, the skin around my nails are peeling, cracking and bleeding, I can barely make it through the day at school because of the pain, my infection has gotten so bad it’s disgusting.

All in the past few months.

I had to make sure these antibiotics don’t interfere with my birth control, because that’s what else I need, a miscarriage.

I’m falling apart, and I’m so angry. I have no physical outlet, I want to hit something.

But it would make my fingers bleed, or make my arthritis worse.

I’ve been living life with a double edged sword.

And I keep getting cut.

I told my boyfriend about my morbid thought when talking to my doctor. He looked at me and said Yes, it would be bad because I care.

I told him not to mind me crying from time to time, I’m grieving things I can’t control.

He said he understands and I hope he does.

It’s been a very long year, I’m falling apart, and I’m tired..

One day at a time..

“Pain demands to be felt”